Sunday, October 26, 2014

From Why to What. From Victim to Realness.

Life has been full this year.  Not just day to day busy, and lots going on, but full of experience, adapting, travel and change (as always, because that is probably a partial definition of life).

So here I am, blogging again, as I feel that I have so much I'd like to share - and not so much about the experiences themselves, but the lessons that emerged from those experiences.


Surrender, and you will find meaning and release.  Go inside yourself and remember what is best for you, rather than looking at everything that is outside of you for meaning to the questions, "Why is this happening" and if you like to play the victim, your question would end with a big fat "TO ME".  

The time for finding reason and blame no longer exists in my world.  Absolutely the thought pops into my mind at times, " Why is this happening, TO me", and I quickly bring myself back to the real question I should be contemplating and that is "WHAT is happening here".  Removing the "WHY" removes the victim mode.  You are in control of certain things in your life, and "reaction" is one of those things.  Life happens.  Things happen you don't like.  People say things, do things and don't do things that disappoint, hurt, sometimes leaving us with the questions Why!  That's a natural reaction.  The clue to shifting from victim to empowered is to explore the situation, by stepping back, stepping out of ego and blame and observing what has happened.  

In exploring the 'What' you will be open to seeing life from a different perspective.

1. People engage, react and give advise based on the experiences they have had in the past
2. In asking 'What' you can find another angle to what you have experiences
3. Remove all negative internal language that breaks you down. 

Let's explore what Victim mode: (this is without judgement, just observing internal conversations)

These things always happen to me.  I knew it was too good to be true.  This is my life, always being disappointed.  No one understands me, how could this happen to me.  That is the language of a victim. Someone who moves through life feeling sorry for themselves, feeling disempowered in changing their life and making different choices and choosing a different path.  When you observe this internal language, you need to literally say to yourself "Stop.  I am not a victim of my circumstances.  I am going to choose how to react in this situation.  I am going to react differently." The victim is defeated.  The victim has no options.  The victim needs someone outside to make it better inside.  The victim has no choices.  The victim operates out of fear.  

You don't get a second chance in life, you get many chances in life.  You just need to chose to do things differently, for yourself.

So how can you change this destructive pattern that is holding you back from greatness?

Consider the words you use in your internal dialogue.  Would you say those things to you best friend who comes to you in the same situation you are in?  Would you say, Friend, "you are a disaster, this is your life, these things always happen to you, you are such a failure, why you, oh shame poor you?"  What a pitiful way of looking at life one would choose, if you used those words.  So stop, listen to your internal dialogue, and intercept it with a "what".

Like the saying goes, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions - the way you act out life, so choose the good ones.

In exploring a "What" questions, without judgment, you will find different answers.  You need to be honest with yourself and start changing the outcome of a situation, instead of "tired that this always happens to you". This gives you options.  Solutions. You become part of the solution. 

Reprograming, using the "What" question:

1. What is actually happening here? 
Is this an old pattern, that I find myself in? Is there another way of looking at this situation.

2. What am I hearing?  What don't I want to hear? 
Is there something I'm denying, because I don't want to see the truth?

3. What is my role in this situation?
What have I contributed, neglected, denied, not spoken up about, unset boundaries, reacting to new situations based on previous memories

4. What is the truth? 
What are the facts, what is life showing me?  What do I get from choosing to be so negative and self defeating.  What am I gaining from not moving forward and how does that serve me? What can I see that I haven't wanted to see before?

5. What is the lesson?  
What can I accept in this moment? What does this tell me about me that I haven't noticed before? What is it about this situation that I can change.

6. What do I want to do about this? 
What can I choose so that I don't find myself in this place again? What do I want to say, that I haven't been able to say before? What is the one thing I can change in this situation that I wanted to chose before, but didn't know how to? What is that new choice going to do for me?

7. What do I want out of this?
What will my life look like tomorrow, if I choose what is best for me now? (possibly difficult to do/say)

The answers will highlight old patterns, and help you identify new ways of reacting, speaking up for what you want, from a place of empowerment, and showing you a lesson and a way forward.  It's in the letting go of old ideas, old habits, old relationships, old reactions, old words, old comforts that we can see possibilities of new.  We hang onto those things because we don't believe there will be anything better again the future.  Why would you limit yourself to those old thoughts? 

The lesson

What I've learnt this year, is that I needed to remind myself that I have a voice.  I have things I need, want, desire, for my life.  There is a way I want to feel.  I know how I want to be treated.  I want honesty, authenticity and realness.  Realness comes by listening to your inner dialoge.  It means asking for what you want, expressing your truth, and pulling yourself out of old patterns. It means choosing new and different ways to react, set boundaries and find the right words to express what you need.

If you look at life from "what" you will have a new perspective.  

These are some of the key's to access your realness.

Enjoy the journey.